Adventure Anxieties

I decided to start writing up a blog on my new weight loss/ old struggle a few days ago when I looked down at my thighs and thought, "Hey, looking pretty damn good!  Oh... wow... talk about some body worship for me."  For as long as I can remember, my self talk focused more on "Look at that girl, she's the same height as I am and she is SO much skinnier.  My butt is fat, I hate my thighs, I hate me."

It was a refreshing and totally unexpected thought I had the other day.  I realized that I should be celebrating the fact that in the past 6 months I have:

- began an excellent fitness routine

- lost 15-18 lbs

- stopped drinking alcohol for about 23 weeks now

- hit my sugar habit hard (notice I did not say conquered)

- generally started some positive self-talk

Now, on the heels of that very good day, where I actually praised one of my most hated body parts, I suffered a severe set back yesterday afternoon.

It all started when my mother (also my best friend!) and I went out to lunch.  I oh so daintily decided I would only eat half my lunch (an eggplant press and french fries) and wound up feeling hungry and somehow...  I can't explain it- somehow deprived in some way.  She followed my lead (wonder where I get my body issues from?  Ha- I also get my body from her!) and I felt pressured NOT to consume anymore.  So I went on a little jaunt with the BF to get some things for our upcoming trip and talked myself into buying a pack of peanut M&Ms.  Side note:  I think that is the first candy bar I have bought since late February due to my utter lack of control over sugar.  I told myself it was only 25o cals, I had walked 4 miles, I had been a "good girl" at lunch, etc.  So I ate it.  In the car.  Immediately.   When they were all gone, I felt like, "That was it?  Man, I want more.  So much more!"

The binge began.  A luna bar, a go lean bar, an organic poptart, A BOX OF MALT BALLS FROM EASTER (I HATE MALT BALLS!), about 3 handfuls of peanuts, a dip or two of whip cream, and probably more stuff I'm blocking, later... WOW.  Total freaking loss of control.  

And to think, a few days earlier, I was complimenting my thighs!

So, reasoning this one through, I made some notes in my fitness log (where I write my food intake and exercise down) and came up with these pretty key points:

- I'm anxious about the 2 1/2 week trip we're leaving on tomorrow,

- I am afraid I'll be fat again (magically, by the way, through no fault of my own),

- I've lost 15-18lbs and I STILL FEEL FAT.  When will I ever feel good?

After this big old-fashioned binge and getting myself back under control (actually, I just ate through anything with sugar in the house- there really wasn't anything else for me to consume), I thought about what keeps me motivated and feeling good.  

I need a goal and a purpose.  I have the 1/2 marathon coming in November. Long term.

I have this trip to survive without putting weight on.  Short term.

I am scared TO DEATH of coming home after being away so long, getting on the scale, and seeing ANY weight gain.

So... I'm going to journal while we're gone and try to work towards keeping my body happy, me happy, and generally getting ready for some BODY WORSHIP.  I can do this!!!!